A Rough Patch

A comprehensive list of everything that has felt sad and hard recently

Hi, friends!

I often find that bad days are followed by good days, but the past week has me questioning that theory. I’ve had the bad days… NOW WHERE ARE THE GOOD DAYS? Hmmm?

A Brief Account of the Past Few Days

• I held a baby that got very worked up, but stopped crying immediately when I handed him to his grandmother. I tried not to take it personally, but obviously… I did take it personally.

• We attended a “dinner and movie night” at our church, and when asked what my favourite movie is, I could not think of a single movie that I wanted to name. I told the asker of the question I’d have to “get back to them about that later.” {Face palm.} Any question that involves the word favourite is a tough one for me. (Since then, I have prepared an answer in case the question arises again at any point in life. Manchester by the Sea, Lala Land, and Sing 2. Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio might be joining that list too.)

• Also church-related, we attended a Zoom discussion and when invited to share, I struggled to put my many thoughts into any semblance of order and I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and sad afterwards.

• I somehow lost my combination lock that I use on my locker at the Y. Just can’t find it anywhere.

• I had a night of two and half hours of sleep due a case of truly miserable cramps.

• I had a dentist appointment to have a temporary crown put on a tooth that had a root canal awhile ago. The appointment generally went well, but any time they put that rubber dam thing in my mouth and drill away at my teeth, I feel somewhat traumatized afterward.

• I made very dry pad thai and served it to my family-in-law.

• I have realized several times over that I chose a career where tiny humans sometimes look me dead in the eye and scream, and that it is my job to keep my heart rate down and work with that. #reality

• I did not do my laundry when I should have and had to wear the same pair of socks two days in a row. It just feels like maybe that shouldn’t happen?

• I have spent many a recess monitoring a school yard out in the rain/snow/hail. This weather. Quite frankly, it makes me want to cry.

• I had a very blah weekend. I am no longer a student, and I should have been reveling in my newfound freedom. Instead, I was just… bored. Furthermore, I did not take initiative to break my boredom, even though I am a fully grown adult and had many options and tools that I could have used to help myself out.  

• I did not make a menu plan for this week. Nor did I do a proper grocery shopping. The food situation is chaos over here. CHAOS.

• I was excited to do #onedaymay (daily social media prompts for the month of May) again this year, but when I logged onto Instagram after taking a little break from social media, I discovered that apparently #onedaymay is not happening this year. I just… I was excited to do that.

• I have stopped eating veggies. Just stopped. I simply don’t have the emotional strength that eating veggies requires. My poor glucose levels. (The Glucose Goddess, Jessie Inchauspé, lives in my head.)

To summarize, I feel like a shell of myself and like everything is going quite poorly. That is my emotional perspective.

Logically, I am aware that I am in a season of many transitions and that I will find my footing again in a few weeks.

Hang in there, everyone. Whether you’re in a good stretch or a tough stretch… hang in there.

I hear there’s sunshine ahead.

And a poem to remind myself of what is true…

I was flipping through an old notebook recently and found a poem that I wrote a few months ago, titled “Desire.” It reminded me of the responsibilities that I have when faced with difficult stages. Even when things are hard, I can honour God and I can honour myself. Each moment is an opportunity to choose the better path.

Desire

I have moments 
where I am 
Overwhelmed
by everything I cannot have. 

A heavy, toxic grief 
that blossoms me heavier
with each breath. 
And yet I know
I KNOW
that 
The freedom I crave 
would only smoulder in the back of my throat 
before salting me over- 
a pillar paralyzed.

Where is growth here? 
Where is new life? 
No new mercies here! 
I live 
in a land where 
I shove down the sun each time 
it tries to rise. 

I keeping hoping for a day when 
the sun will be too hot to be shoved, 
when it will burn its way past me
and blister all, 
New softness emerging after the blisters have peeled.
Myself-
all helpless- 
a victim of the tidal wave of good things. 

But
This sun doesn't fight like that. 
This sun dawns with the unbearably gentle truth 
of love and light,
Offered- never forced. 
This sun lights the paths I welcome it to. 

This sun is a miracle offered. 
A miracle chosen. 
A miracle spilt for and split for. 
Again and again and again, 
It rises. 

A new day-
Another chance-
Another resurrection-

Ever with us and 
Ever before us. 

---

To clarify… I could easily build a list of lovely moments from the past few days too. Beauty and joy still live.

How are you? Feel free to share from the emotional perspective or the logical perspective. 😉