Last week I wrote about how to be a grown-up.
I struggle with a lot of the aspects of adulting that I chose to write about in that post, but I think the one that I most consistently struggle with is keeping my word to myself.
Keeping my word to myself- doing the good and healthy and HARD things that I tell myself I’m going to do- requires a level of self-discipline that I don’t seem to have developed. I know that accountability partners can be a helpful tool, but there is something in me that needs to know that I can trust myself and Jesus to carry me through the challenging moments.
A specific area of life that I really struggle with self-discipline is my eating habits. I recognize that this is a struggle of the most privileged sort, and I’m not going to say too much about it. In fact, I wasn’t even going to tell you what exactly my “thorn in the flesh” is. But, hey, what even is a blog post without a little bit of vulnerability?
I won’t get into the specifics of my struggle, because food and health are such a big topic, with much opportunity to trigger negative feelings and varying opinions. So let’s just say that I know which habits/foods make me feel good and which ones don’t, and I pretty consistently make the choices that do not lead to me feeling good.
NO GOOD.
And also… WHY? Why would I do that to myself?
It often feels like a form of self-sabotage. Sound familiar? Paul wrote about it in Romans 7 (verse 15)…
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate.”
Consistently, I find that the more I try to set up systems to help myself make good choices, the harder I will work to access the unhealthy options. (The stories that I could tell you…)
I have no words to describe how frustrating this cycle is. It’s been a long battle and one that I haven’t always fought well.
Maybe you have a struggle of your own that you cycle through again and again.
Maybe you know the breathless, jagged edge between yes and no, and just how many times that edge can slice in the span of a minute, an hour, a day. A life.
Maybe you know that each way- the high road and the low road- holds its own emptiness.
Maybe you know the blurriness that is the spectrum of success and failure. If I fight the temptation and manage to make the “right” choice half of the time, does that make me successful? Half-successful? Or still stuck in defeat?
Recently I had the revelation that I am continually searching for a way to make my burden easy. A book, a quote, a system, a Bible verse, a YouTube video- somewhere out there something must exist that would magically transform me. The truth is just now sinking in, after years and years of searching for that magical solution.
There is no easy way.
The easy way does not exist.
Not even Jesus offers an easy way. He invites us to pick up our cross, rather than offering to discard of it for us.
Perpetually searching for the easy way is akin to staggering in the direction of the mirage of an oasis when there is real water to be dug for beneath my very feet.
Why is it easier to choose desperate staggering than to get to work and dig, when I know that the digging would likely yield some satisfying results?
Perhaps I’m afraid of the work that comes with digging. How many broken, doubtful moments of exhaustion will I experience in the process of digging? How relentless will it feel?
Perhaps my identity is all tangled up with the staggering. If I’m not moving in the direction of something shiny and distant, who am I?
Perhaps I have taken on the mindset of a victim. I have no other option than to continue moving in the direction of the mirage. This is my only hope.
The battle against the unhealthy paths we are drawn to is a complex one- truly a war within. I don’t know a lot about how to fight it, but sometimes, putting the truth into words can help me.
In this moment, I get to make a choice.
I am not powerless.
This moment feels intense, but this is not a life-or-death decision.
I have time to take a breath.
Instead of doing ___________, I can _____________.
The satisfaction of giving in will not be worth the emotions that will come after.
Words are simple, but they can hold life and truth.
For myself, on my own journey, my next right thing is learning to use words of truth to widen my moments of struggle just enough to give my brain the extra beat it needs to remember that I am not at the mercy of my impulses and that I have a say in what happens next. I know that this won’t always lead to me making the healthy decision, but I’m hoping that it will increase my willingness to be present for those liminal moments where right and wrong, life and death, open and secret, and freedom and regret exist side-by-side.
May we learn rest in the midst of our discomfort-
To take a breath,
To look around for God and for good.
May that breath bring us strength and sight and then
May we move forward with gentleness, peace, and trust.
-Jasmine Martin
What about you?
Does self-discipline come naturally to you? Are there tools you have gained through experience that have proven helpful in overcoming your challenges?